Dad weirdness

Shit gets weird when you become a new parent.  

I wish there was a chapter explaining the weirdness and oddities that occur on the parenting journey in the dozens of books my wife gave me grief about not reading.  The closest thing is Phil's-Osophy which unfortunately for us dads, is a fictional book by one of the greatest dads out there - Phil Dunphey.  Below are 5 examples of how shit gets weird. 

1.   Every object is a "Mr."  Mr. Fan, Mr. Light, Mr. Happyface painting, Mr. Penguin.   For whatever reason, when I am describing something to my daughter or pointing out something to her the object becomes a person with a prefix.  

2.   Conversations in Questions.  Some of you may be use to this when you are trying to decide what to do for dinner (i.e. The what do you want to eat, I don't care, what do you want to eat conversation), but it is elevated during new parenthood.  

 Me: Should we feed her?

Wife: Did you look at the app?

Me: What app?  

Wife:  When did we feed her last?

Me: Should I just give her the pacifier?  

This mode of communication would be great if we were on Jeopardy! instead of actually being in jeopardy. 

3.  All Rhyme; No Reason.  For some reason I suddenly feel the need to be mother goose and make a nursery rhyme out of my sentences.  For example, if my daughter looks like she is enjoying her food I'll say "yummy yummy in my tummy tummy." Why? Why do I need to say that? 

4.  DJ Dad.  If you have read prior posts you may know that I am a listener of rock music - some of which is labeled with a parental advisory mark. Now I am "spinning" every morning at 6:30 am some of the top children's music from the 80s, 90s, 00s and today.  I also spin classical music because science has proven that if you play Mozart or Beethoven enough that your child is less likely to join a gang. 

5.  Story time.  Children's books are pretty much all the same:  There are a bunch of animals, they make a noise of some sort, and at the end a baby appears.  So daddy is left with a choice - make the animal noises in the same voice or create a slightly different voice for each animal. Because you don't want to disappoint your family and so your child will get into college you attempt different voices.  

In all seriousness, you should check out the book Jungly Tails.  It will likely bring happiness to your child's life.  If it doesn't, well, I'm sorry.

To recap:

• Your ceiling fan is transformed from an ordinary fan to Mr. Fan
• Conversations turn into a nightmarish game of 20 Questions.
• You become Mother Goose.
• You create mixes that include Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Itsy Bitsy Spider.
• You read stories about animals in different animal voices.

PARENTING GETS WEIRD! 

Anything But Anything But Law

Once again, I have taken a blogcation -- failing to publish a post in almost a year.  One fan of the site wrote me an emotional email several months ago about how he was struggling being productive at work without a new K-Cup recommendation.  Another fan emailed me everyday for 3 months begging for a new post.  As you probably know, those two previous statements were both lies.  

Although there are no posts to show for it, I have had my fair share of beer and K-Cups over the last year.  In addition to indulging in beer and K-Cups, one very important life-changing event occurred during my blogcation -- I became a Dad.  Laney and I welcomed our daughter Dylan Sage into the world on April 7, 2016.  If you are interested in catching up on my daughter's journey so far, head over to Laney's blog.  

Parenthood is a lot of things.  Sure there is the lack of sleep, diaper changes, crying (baby and parent), whining (baby and parent), swaddling (baby -- stray jacket for parent) and feedings (baby and if there is time, parent).  Those things I expected. 

What I have found fascinating is the business of babies -- and it is a big business.  The conversations I have had with other new Dads is quite amusing.  "Hey -- What stroller are you guys going with?"  "We are going with the Citi Mini GT because its lightweight."  "Yeah, we liked that one too, but went with the UPPAbaby because our friend said it was easier to store things."  

There is a chair for this and a toy for that.  We have four different chairs that bounce, rock, swing, and do a combination of all of the above.  Dylan is four months old.  This may seem excessive, but all purchased/acquired out of desperation.  The baby industry knows that parents will buy what is necessary to survive.  Imagine the Discovery channel's Naked and Afraid but the producers give you a Buy Buy Baby gift card and let you buy one thing to keep your baby happy.  

With a newfound motivation to creatively write more, I have added a new category to the site -- Dad Things -- where I will share reviews of products purchased for baby Dylan, stories, and more.  

See you next year.  

Josh